Purpose: to inspire us to act
Audience: Elementary School
Billy loved to play with his dog, Rover. He played with him before school after school and before he went to bed. He taught him many tricks and it was Billy’s job to feed Rover. Rover was a big dog and only a few years old. He loved to run around outside and eat the berries off trees. Rover sometimes even got sick from this.
One day when Billy came home from school Rover didn’t look very good. He was laying in the grass and didn’t respond to anything Billy said. He must have eaten something bad for him. What could it be? Billy looked all over the yard until he found the culprit: litter. Billy thought Rover probably picked up some litter from the side of the road.
Billy took care of Rover that night but Rover still felt sick. So the next day, Billy’s mom took Rover to the vet. The vet said that Rover had swallowed a chicken bone which had to be removed surgically. So Rover went through surgery to get the bone out.
After surgery Rover felt a lot better and Billy was glad to have his dog back to health. Billy got to thinking: what could he do to prevent this? Billy and his mom came up with ideas like picking up trash on the road and encouraging people to throw their trash in trash cans not out the window.
Littering causes very bad things and it is important to keep our earth clean. What can you do to help?
Sunday, April 20, 2008
WA 8 first draft
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4 comments:
Good use of simple language. It's hard to hold back on the vocabulary, but it's a must for this audience.
add more to the end part. more encouraging to act.
This helped me alot to work on the vocabulary in here.
The repetition is good as well. Not too much just enough.
As for the negative aspect, I think you should elaborate more on the fact that it is an elementary CLASS. I didn't think of elementary classes when reading this...I just thought of a boy who was really into the enviornment.
Be careful not to use the same sentence structure over and over. A problem in the first paragraph.
"Billy took care of Rover that night but Rover still "looked" sick"
I didn't realize the Rover was sick because of littler. There needs to be more STORY here. The purpose does not permiate.
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